Sweets

Sweets.

I remember revealing that I thought there were special rules for me. I
believed that though I do not expect perfection from someone else, that
though I feel compassion for other people in their struggles - that I was
somehow an exception and should know better - and be hard on myself to make
myself perfect. You told me that this was perhaps one of my most important
realisations.

Now, years later, I'm still doing it. I've hesitated over posting here
because I've fretted that I couldn't compose the perfect tribute to you.
But I am aware, and I am making a different choice.

Oh, Joann. You being gone feels wrong. I wish that there had been more
time. I want to know you more. I've already learned so much about you from
the memories of others here.

Sweets, I remember you calling me once.

I learned so much from your great big heart, patience, and wisdom. And I am
grateful for what you taught me about life and myself.

Joann, you helped me to choose life. In that work, with me having spewed
forth vile self-hate and my desire not to be... I remember you finally
telling me to open my eyes. And so I did - to see me, reflected in you, and
you, seeing into me. "Live," you bade me. I hold this memory tightly to
me, Joann, with so much gratitude and love for you. A door opened that day
and a cool breeze freshened my soul. I have opened many doors in my times
with you.

Even still. I wish my parents could have met you, who played such an
important role in my life. So last week I wrote and told them about you.
There are things they didn't know about the dark times in my life, and it
was hard for them to hear. But another door has opened here, in my
relationship with my parents, and I am excited to step through it.
Thank-you, Joann.

I can hear your voice still.

One night, when I was grieving you, I felt a warm presence by my side. I
believe it was you.

I don't know what I believe about death, or what happens after. I can tell
you that I shall remember your voice, your gentle hugs, your beauty, and
your delicious sense of humour. And in further memory, I re-dedicate myself
to living in honesty, integrity, and intimacy.

I wish you well, wherever you are, and I love you dearly, Joann.

Dea

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